Mr Wford

Once more, with feeling… (01/18/2020)

Okay, now that I’ve had a couple of weeks to digest it, I’ve found myself on a high-horse about this Rise of Skywalker movie. So here are some brief points I’d like to sputter out:

1. Stupid name. Even if Rey was a skywalker, which it turns out that she isn’t, this makes no sense as a name as far as the story goes.
2. lightspeed hopping. Oh, come on now… purely dumb. As has been stated very clearly, when traveling through hyperspace, you need to stay away from objects, you also usually seem to need to be a bit out of the way before jumping. Hopping back and forth from planet surfaces seems like something that would end in instant death, plus, you couldn’t really program that jump in…… This ridiculous hopping was totally unneeded, awkward, and dumb.
3. Snoke/Palaptine. Palatine is dead… Face it. Snoke was a fine replacement, in fact, better than Palaptine was in the first place. Trying to now angle snoke out of the way and replace him with tired dumb old paplatine is a terrible idea.
4. Oh my god! The attack against the sith fleet! There’s hardly anyone who will help the resistance, then suddenly a zillion ships appear out of flipping nowhere! In one of the hokiest looking scenes I’ve seen in a star wars movie…
5. Um. It makes no sensse that the star destroyers can’t fly Up without a navigational beacon… They’re fucking spaceships. Now they cant find space when they’re floating in the atmosphere?
6. Rey’s parents. I never believed Ren when he said that rey’s parents were nobodies, obviously that wouldn’t make much sense. But the solution was even dumber than it would have been if they were nobodies.
7. Most of all… Where the hell is Rose? She was the best character in Last Jedi. And she was propelled into a key role, and then plopped in the background of Rise of Skywalker like a cardboard cutout in the distance… Was she too good? She was humble, always hopeful, strong, honest, did the right thing like 100% of the time, regardless of risk, self-sacrificing… Exactly how a resistance fighter should be. Lame, so lame, that she was dropped out in the next movie. While that annoying Poe guy still gets to stick around and be all jerky all the time.

Here’s my new order of the series:
1. Solo
2. Rogue One
3. Star Wars
4. Empire Strikes Back
5. Force Awakens
6. Last Jedi.

Six, that should be enough for me…

But what about those 5 other movies that bear the name?

1. Return of the Jedi, a hokey and silly piece of junk that Lucas made to get back at those sneaky dudes for making a great and serious film (empire) while he was busy in California
2. whatever that “episode one” is called: revisionist history* BS
3. the next one: revisionist history bs,
4. the third one: revisionist history BS
5. Rise of Skywalker: revisionist history BS.

Stop with the revisionist history. Star Wars, Empire, Last Jedi are the best versions of the story! Stop trying to unmake them with garbage followups…

On the other hand… It’s all done now, so I can have my movies and just stop worrying about the rest.

* revisionist history (what the more generous people call Retcon), retroactively re-framing something that already happened and undermining the experiences of those which came before you, with an intent to mislead or control the debate.

Star Wars, the real deal (as per a close-minded old purist). (12/25/2019)

So I am an unrepentant know-it-all purist when it comes to Star Wars. I hear people criticize things that they should not criticize, and accept things that they shouldn’t accept and it’s got to the point where I can’t listen to anyone say anything about the franchise anymore as I haven’t found anyone who views it just like I do.

Like everything else, to each their own… If you love attack of the clones, good for you. But they aren’t part of my Star Wars universe. I’m sure that if you got rid of hayden christenson and jarjar, those movies would be a fine scifi adventure, but as far as Star Wars goes, they are, at best, an alternate history. An alternate history that is so alternate that it derails the whole story… And is a kinda boring one… And one that doesn’t make any sense when seen in the same space as the Star Wars movies.

So how is it that I view it? Well, let me tell you.

The only part of Star Wars that is truly canon is, ahem, Star Wars (the movie). And, for the most part, the thoughts and writings that Lucas did regarding the story prior to the release of the film can count as well. Anything that contradicts Star Wars (the movie) or changes the story is a lurid poison upon the world. Empire Strikes Back is basically canon as well, except for one thing where it seriously counters Star Wars… Darth being Luke’s father. I can ignore that moment in the movie where he says that (as, aside from that, the movie is great) but it still doesn’t sit well.

Recall in Star Wars where Obi Wan says “A young Jedi named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights. He betrayed and murdered your father.” He wasn’t being tricky and saying “well, anakin’s conversion to Darth kinda was the end of anakin, so you could say that he killed who he had been by becoming who he was now.”. But that isn’t what Obi-Wan meant when he said it in Star Wars. He was being literal… anakin and Darth were separate characters and the merging of them is a key key key key failing that led to oh so many disasters afterwards.

So aside from that blip, which you can kinda ignore as it only rears its head again in Return of the Jedi (which is basically so bad that I can’t watch it anyway), Star Wars and Empire can kinda both be considered “true” Canon and, as such, are untouchable and unchangeable.

But the biggest problem of all is that the movies and the original stories were made quite clearly as “From the Adventures of Luke Skywalker (or Starkiller)” but then 20 years later Lucas decided to do major revisionist history and rebrand the Star Wars saga as “the tragedy of Darth Vader”… Then he had the gall to try and pretend that was his intention all along (which it wasn’t).

So the three issues I have with Star Wars (the franchise), are:
1. Star Wars (the movie and the series) is the story of Luke Skywalker, not of anakin or Darth.
2. Darth Vader is not anakin (though I can ignore that in my watching as it doesn’t really come up)
3. Star Wars (the movie) is the beginning of the story, not the fourth episode.

Anything at all, anything… that contradicts those is hurtful and is utter garbage in my book. So the so-called prequels don’t even exist. Mayhaps they take place in some other part of the empire with some other person who happens to be named Anakin Skywalker. With trillions of humans, there are certainly more than one with that name… But I don’t care, as they’re not part of the Star Wars story.

So this explains why the prequels are the three biggest piles of poo in the universe, because some jackass decided to completely redirect, derail, and even lie about, the story that was, bar none, the most important facet of my childhood from the ages of 9-13 (and then snub his nose at the old fans basically saying that he didn’t care what they thought, even though they’re the ones who made the series the success that it was… Even thumbing his nose at the National Film Registry).

But how does this explain my love for everything of the Disney Star Wars movies? Because, almost without exception (key exception being that painful episode numbering), they completely ignore the fake anakin story and return the focus to Luke, aka, the actual story. Plus, they go out of their way to connect to the real Star Wars story (heck, Abrams even brought Starkiller back! Going even more OG than Star Wars itself!). Why do I love the terminally unpopular Solo? Because Solo is really fun and is an unabashed reference to Star Wars (the movie). Everything about Han from Star Wars is explained in Solo, thus giving great attention to the real story and continuing to completely ignore the sins and lies lucas made between 1978 and 2005 (all of which must be condemned: “a new hope” “episode IV, V, and VI numbering”, “prequels”, darth as anakin, the special editions, those shit movies made between 1999 and 2005).

For my fan book, you need to ignore all of that (or better yet, condemn it) and instead honor the seven movies that we have that tell the correct and intended story (assuming that you can stand to sit though return of the Jedi, which I can’t):

Aside: Solo
Prequel: Rogue One
Star Wars
The Empire Strikes back
Return of the Jedi
Force Awakens
The Last Jedi

p.s. if you care about any of this at all, please read The Secret History of Star Wars…

p.p.s. Okay, I went and saw it. My review is 50/50. As Force Awakens was like a redo of Star Wars, Rise of Skywalker feels like a redo of The Return of the Jedi. However, not as bad, so… However, it’s another good chance to keep my my old movie blog going…

p.p.s. with more time, I have decided that RoS is not at all up to par with my seven other movies, so it will remain off the list. For my full complaint, please see RoS Sucks

Secret History of Star Wars: review

The Secret History of Star Wars (04/29/2018)

by Michael Kaminski

200051
Ashley’s review
Jul 02, 2017

it was amazing

Well, it was a long haul to get through this book, but I’m glad I did! Absolutely essential reading for any fan of the original Star Wars who has continued to pay attention to the series and shake in horror or befuddlement about the shocking mischief (or grievous sins) that Lucas committed on our favorite national treasure between 1997 and 2005. And totally unneeded reading for anyone else…

Though it didn’t cause me to regain any liking or respect for the post-70’s Lucas, it was good to be able to see and understand exactly how much had changed and when and why… Covering from the early beginnings around 1973 as “The Adventures of Luke Starkiller as taken from the “Journal of the Whills”” to “Adventures of the Starkiller, Episode I: The Star Wars” to “Star Wars” to “Star Wars, Episode IV: A New Hope” etc etc. all the way up to the insertion of Hayden Christensen into Return of the Jedi in 2004 (21 years after its release!) and then to Sith…

Extremely detailed (and a bit repetitive for someone who isn’t fixated on this whole thing) with details on the scripts from well before the first shot of Star Wars was ever filmed, commentary from people directly involved, including Lucas (note that the commentary inside is not for this book, but generally interviews that appeared elsewhere), and analysis of the possible rationales for changes, big and small. I found it rather engrossing and fascinating.

And, now that the series is in the hands of someone who has returned it to its original feeling and story, this book even more cemented my consideration of the “Prequels” to be an offshoot alternative history, rather than part of the main story.

Note: grievous sins:
1. Star Wars Special Edition (1997)
2. Empire Special Edition (1997)
3. Jedi special edition (1997)
4. Phantom Menace (1999)
5. Attack of the clones (2002)
6. More changes to the (no longer) original trilogy (2004)
7. Revenge of the Sith (2005)
and the biggest of all…
8. After three movies of the Story of Luke, the galling revisionist history he went through to change the context of those movies from the story of Luke to the story of Anakin (something that has, thankfully, been undone in the J J Abrams era). Don’t get me wrong, like most people I was a much bigger fan of Vader than of Luke, but still… It was his darn story.

Bonus, early travesty: Adding Episode IV and that “A New Hope” gibberish to the beginning of Star Wars, 4 years after it was first released

Appendix:
Suggested new renumbering (and we still have 6 movies! and a more intact storyline):
Prequel: Rogue One
Episode I: Star Wars
Episode II: Empire Strikes back
Episode II: Return of the Jedi
Episode IV: The Force Awakens
Episode V: The Last Jedi

In my humble opion 04/18/2018
I don’t read anything anyone has to say about Star Wars. At this point, my opinions are mine and I’ll leave others to theirs. I wouldn’t mind reading about it, if I felt that I could find someone who was discussing them in the same context as I see them. However, that seems unlikely. Why, what context is that? You say…

I am in this group that is: original era Star Wars fans (probably need to be 40+ years old currently), who were fans of the series before the release of Phantom Menace, and who are so disturbed by “the Prequel trilogy” that they can’t consider it to be part of Star Wars, and who are thrilled that the series has fallen into the hands of people who love and respect the original trilogy and act, for the most part, like the prequel trilogy doesn’t exist.

Now, to me that sounds like it would be a huge group, but i’m not convinced that it is… Or, at least, isn’t a very vocal group. Too many people still consider the prequels to have some kind of value or role to the story, and so many people are strangely critical and intolerant of the new movies. Neither of these make any sense to me, so I’m just going to keep my starwarsness to myself (including here…).

I feel nmy pain and i survive 04/28/2018

Oh my, oh my, oh my…

We all recall my distaste for George Lucas’ alterations, especially for damage done to the real trilogy but, I must admit, I hadn’t even witnessed all of it. (see here, here, and here.

I never really liked Return of the Jedi. I did like the Executor and the Emperor and his laser beams, but that was about all. Well, Luke’s black outfit was a good look. Regardless, I’ve still seen it a number of times, though I suspect that the last time was many years ago, before the special editions, as I know I didn’t see that when it came out. That said, I was already aware of, and miffed by, the replacement of Sebastian Shaw with Hayden Christensen at the end… But I wasn’t sure of what other changes were made. In fact, it’s been so long that I didn’t really remember a lot of the original movie anyway.

I watched it tonight, though, my copy from the pointless 2004 DVD Boxset and, even if I don’t remember the movie that well, some of the changes stuck out like thumbs, big horrible thumbs. Admittedly, I did wander out of the room quite a few times, so I assume that there are more travestic changes that I missed.

Firstly, the hardest scene to watch in the theatrical edition, the ridiculous performers at Jabba’s palace, is literally now like ten times worse. Instead of just that weird puppet singing for a number of seconds, now it’s some horrible CG thing that goes on and on for like 2 minutes with more ridiculous creatures and more ridiculous everything. Making a scene that was boring and silly to watch into one that is downright embarrassing to watch.

Secondly, the second most boring scene in the movie, the skiff battle over the Sarlacc… The Sarlacc has a beak now? What? Why? What? Not a big deal in the scheme of things, but super-obvious and also totally pointless. Another one of those scenes that was just redone to make the original fans (who, p.s. George, are why you have the money and ability to keep on doing this in the first place) feel like someone is trying to rob them of youthful memories.

Then, of course, the aforementioned digital insertion of Hayden Christensen over Shaw.

But, then, what? At the end, instead of just a Ewok celebration, there is now a tour of worlds, with mobs cheering in the streets… Coruscant, Bespin, and, worst of all, Naboo? I don’t need Lucas to try to force fake memories into my childhood. Please, please, keep Naboo out of it!

Addendum, and another annoying Lucas-ism.

Curators at the National Film Registry picked the 1977 version of Star Wars to preserve for history’s sake, but they still don’t have a copy in the registry. When they asked for a copy, Lucas refused, saying that he would no longer authorize the release of the original version.
(source: The Atlantic, The Star Wars George Lucas Doesn’t Want You To See)

Oh my… The gall.

Star Wars: there and back again 03/23/2018

Well, it’s been over two years since my post about the release of new movies in the Star Wars universe. While I was excited, I was also skeptical and, as it was prior to the release of The Force Awakens, I hadn’t seen any of them yet. Now, 27 months later, three have come out and I have been almost completely pleased with them. My favorite of the new ones is Rogue One, followed by The Last Jedi and then The Force Awakens.

Rogue One is, to me, the start of it all. Leading directly into the first scene of Star Wars (the movie), it was a fun, adventuresome romp that I think was a great prequel for the series.

The Last Jedi was great in so many ways, it looked good, some great scenes (loved the Luke vs Kylo bit), good characters (in retrospect, I really appreciated Laura Dern’s Vice Admiral Holdo), had a great story, a nice return of the Luke character (and focus on the importance thereof), a nice send off of Leia (yes, maybe it was corny, but she had supposedly been “with the force” all this time but we never got a chance to see any of that. This was a good, dramatic, yet subtly presented, way to show that she was, in fact, a force-badass).

The Force Awakens… Well, kinda corny, in some ways almost feeling like a revision of Star Wars (the movie). But I thought that both of those aspects were good ways to bring the series back after a 32 year hiatus (one that was filled with way too much drama, conflict and just garbage about the series). It helped me forgot all about that horrible “alternate history splinter series” that Lucas had released 10-15 years prior, and returned me straight to Star Wars itself (as it should have. A Star Wars story made by people who really loved and appreciated the real, original, Star Wars and its feel and energy).

I’ve put together a few lists here.

Firstly, the entire series in storyline order:

Prequel: Rogue One
Episode I: Star Wars
Episode II: Empire Strikes back
Episode III: Return of the Jedi
Episode IV: The Force Awakens
Episode V: The Last Jedi

Secondly, the series in order of how much I like them

Episode I: Star Wars
Episode II: Empire Strikes back
Prequel: Rogue One
Episode V: The Last Jedi
Episode IV: The Force Awakens
Episode III: Return of the Jedi

Thirdly, the series in terms of adjusted for inflation box-office totals. (for this I included Lucas’ Alternate History series, just because I know that people would be inclined to make the comparison anyway since the films were, unfortunately, tagged with the Star Wars label):

All Time Rank – Movie Name – Year Released – Adjusted box office take
02. Star Wars                          (1977)  $1,635,137,900
11. The Force Awakens           (2015)   $993,496,600
13. The Empire Strikes Back  (1980)   $902,298,200
16. Return Of The Jedi           (1983)   $863,465,400
18. Phantom Menace            (1999)   $829,064,680
41. The Last Jedi                    (2017)   $619,845,600
59. Rogue One                      (2016)   $554,854,100
66. Revenge Of The Sith       (2005)   $544,599,700
96. Attack of The Clones       (2002)   $490,840,600

Notes: Firstly, the all-time adjusted figure is only domestic box-office take (which I suppose is understandable). Sad that the Phantom Menace appears so high on the list! But I guess understandable as people were hopeful that series would actually be a rational part of the star wars storyline, rather than the fugazi of half-related, revisionist-history BS that it turned out to be…. Not sad that, with the rate that new movies enter this list, Attack of the Clones will probably fall out of the top-100 laster this year or early next year.

For follow-up, here is my review of The Secret History of Star Wars, which sums up some of my impressions of the whole mish-mash

Confessions. And The Force Awakens, but what is it awakening, and what isn’t it? 12/17/2015

Okay, I love Star Wars. Star Wars came out when I was 9 years old, probably about the perfect age for it. I was crazy for it and I saw it 6.5 times in the theater… Pretty good for a nine year old who had to haul on the bus all the way out to the Westgate Theater in Beaverton. I pre-ordered the star wars figures before they were released, got the other toys, the oversized comic books… And then I read the book, Splinter of the Mind’s Eye and eagerly awaited its appearance on the screen. Cut to, three years later. Empire Strikes Back Comes out. Probably a better all around movie than Star Wars, plus it had Boba Fett (who I also preordered the figure of before its release). I was 12 and, while I was surprised that it wasn’t Splinter of the Mind’sEye, I was still pleased and still well into Star Wars fandom. So all is well and good.

Cut to three more years. I’m 15 and Return of the Jedi comes out. Well, mixed feelings. Part of it (the empire/emperor part) was good and fun and interesting, the other part (the muppets and the ewoks) seemed dumb, boring and for children. So I accepted it as a Star Wars sequel, but I thought it was the worst of the bunch, and my mind had turned towards girls and Dungeons and Dragons and Judas Priest, so I had other things to think about. It also was where I started to question Lucas’ intentions… Turning Star Wars from a dramatic space opera mythology into a series aimed at little kids (a bit backwards considering my history with it) seemed like a bad direction.

Anyway, life went on. Then cut forward through the rest of my teens and all of my 20’s and then, oddly, they re-released the star wars movies. I went to see the new version of Star Wars and was, well, horrified. So much, too much, had been computer “enhanced”. The worst was Tatooine. The “lost” Jabba the Hutt sequence was put back in (badly, I might add) with Jabba turned from the human he originally was into the digitally pasted in giant slug we were used to, the whole Han/Greedo cop-out/fail where Lucas decided that he wanted to rewrite “history” to make Han appear more heroic, and, good lord, the streets. From the nearly deserted dry desert lanes to a town brimming with digitally inserted jokes, muppets, robots… He may as well have overdubbed fart jokes into Obi Wan’s dialogue. It was just that bad. Ugh, yes, despoiled our childhood, I thought. Star War freakin’ defined my pre-teen years. Without question. Changes, especially dumbing down of the first movie, were not what we were looking for. And I had already been bothered for years by the renaming of Star Wars to A New Hope. Anyway, I went and saw the second one, and skipped the new version of Return altogether.

Then, the worst happened. Episode 1. Good lord, it actually was filled with pratfalls and, basically fart jokes, muppets, racial slurs, the total unmystification of The Force, the most mortifyingly embarrassing character ever and so much stilted acting… The only things I liked were the battles with Darth Maul and the princess’s mirrored ship, everything else was thoughtless junk. Ugh. I was speechless, except for complaints. The two after were still bad, but better than episode 1… Well, except for the terrible casting of Hayden Christensen. What the hell? Terrible.

Okay, so another decade has wore on. I’ve hated Lucas for years, dreamed of the real theatrical versions of the real trilogy coming out, wished that Star Wars had been a stand alone movie and that none of the sequels had ever existed. Cut to, finally, dream of dreams… Lucas lets go of Star Wars. To me, that opened up a huge vista of possibility. Then talk of new movies, trailers that look extremely promising. A redemption for my partially beloved series?

Anyway, the point to this, The Force Awakens comes out tomorrow. I am very excited. I feel like a whole new chapter, the best in 30 years, of star wars is opening. But, oddly enough, I have very little interest in going to see the movie. I’m glad it’s there, I hope its as good as I expect, I hope it makes buttloads of money and they keep making more. But I’m really just not excited to see it. I’m sure I will, but who knows when.

I also highly recommend, if you are any kind of old time Star Wars fan, that you read The Secret History of Star Wars. Very decent read.